80. Jared Has Aides (edit)
First aired: 3/6/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
The boys, Cartman, Stan and Kyle keep calling the City Wok Chinese restaurant just to hear the guy on the phone pronounce city as shitty. Butters joins them, but the others boys keep calling him either Kenny or "Not Kenny". (Kenny evidentially really did die last year.) The boys go the Kenny McKormick memorial town square, because Jared, the guys who lost all that weight eating sub sandwiches is scheduled to appear. Everyone just loves Jared. The boys go to see Jared after his appearance, and he tells them that in addition to his eating sub sandwiches to lose weight, he also got aides to help him to lose weight. The boys think that Jared meant AIDS when his first mentions it, until he introduces them to his aides Scott and Tyler. After learning the truth about Jared, the boys go home. Along the way, Cartman has a "genius moment". He decides they can do what Jared has done, eat a little of the product and exercise to lose the weight and become popular for doing it. He decides Butters is their candidate for this plan and City Wok is their restaurant of choice. Meanwhile, Jared is out with his fiancée and he confesses to her that he has aides; of course she leaves the restaurant thinking that he has AIDS and never told her. He also decides he needs to tell the public. For the boy's plan to work, they decide they've got to fatten Butters up. Jared reappears in front of the citizens of South Park and announces that he has aides and he recommends that everyone get aides. The boys take a fattened up Butters to City Wok and pitch them on their idea. The City Wok guy likes the idea. Meanwhile, Jared is fired from his sub sandwich job. Butters starts to exercise, but its not working fast enough; so the boys decide to perform liposuction on him and he loses a lot of fat quickly. Butters' parents return home to find their son giving himself liposuction, so they ground him. At South Park City Hall, Jared announces his aides for everyone campaign. The crowd rushes the stage. The boys go to Butters home to pick him up for their photo shoot. He can't leave because he was grounded 5 days for getting fat and then having liposuction. While Stan and Kyle take Butters to City Wok, Cartman stays at Butters home to answer the phone for when his parents call. When Cartman answers the phone, he only gets Butters into more trouble. Meanwhile, Jared is beating a dead horse about his desire to give everyone, including small underprivileged children aides and the angry mob is still after him. Stan, Kyle and Butters arrive at City Wok ready to do their ad campaign, just like Jared, when the owner tells them he's not interested anymore, since Jared wants everyone to have aides. They find out that the angry mob is planning to kill Jared downtown as Cartman gets Butters into even deeper trouble. Downtown Stan clears up the misunderstanding about Jared's aides and everyone has a big laugh. They also realize that 22.3 years have passed, so AIDS can be officially declared funny. Jared's image is okay once again and the boys find they can only get $15 for their deal with City Wok. Meanwhile, Butters' races home and he thanks Cartman for covering for him. Cartman leaves the house and set up a lawn chair in front of the Butters' house, waiting for Butters' parents to come home.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.3
27 Ratings
Your score:
81. Asspen (edit)
First aired: 3/13/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Spencer Lacey Ganus (Voice of Unknown), Eli Harris (Voice of Unknown)
The Stotchs have the Marsh and Broflovski families over for dinner, grateful that there son seems to have some great friends to play with. The Stotchs pitch the parent's on a deal where they can all go to Aspen and stay at a condo for free, they only need to attend a 30 minute time share presentation. They tell the boys and everyone is excited as they make their way to Aspen. The next morning everyone is getting ready for skiing when the pitchmen arrive. Cartman gives Butters a "Hitler" by drawing a Hitler-style mustache on Butters' upper lip using material obtained from his butt. The parents leave the boys on their own while they go to attend the time-share condo's required 30 minute presentation. Butters keep noticing a strange smell, still unaware of his fecal matter drawn mustache. The boys take ski lessons from "Thumper" who tells them about having a "bad time" and the use of "pizza" and "French fry" for going fast and slow on skies. Meanwhile the parents are being subjected to required meeting, that turns out isn't the actual required meeting; that one will actually be held at the luncheon. On the ski slopes, like a bad teen ski movie, Stan is challenged by Tad, someone who is much older and more experienced on skis than he is. At lunch, the parents are almost treated to a nice lunch of steak and lobster. The lunch is "time shared" on them as the pitchmen keep up their assault which is keeping the parents from enjoying the ski slopes. On the bunny slope, the boys are having a good time and only mildly wonder where their parents are at. Stan keeps living the bad ski movie, as Tad challenges him to an extreme ski race. Stan hopes that Tad will go away after he accepts Tad's challenge to an extreme ski race. Tad easily wins the race as Stan "pizzas" and "French fries" his way down the slope. Despite losing, Stan is still invited to attend a party at the youth center where all the cool teens will be hanging out. The parents finally get to head to the slopes and are given a special pass that will take them on a chairlift past the crowds and quickly up the mountain. Instead the chairlift takes them to another presentation where the pitchmen are waiting with a new offer. Still only mildly wondering where their parents are the boys are now all living a bad teen ski movie when they go to the party and find out that Tad's father plans on tearing down the youth center. Tad is there and sings a song about Stan. Fed up, Stan asks him what his problem is. Tad takes it as a challenge for a rematch. The fate of the youth center is in Stan's hands as Tad's course of choice is down K-13, "the most dangerous run in all of America". Despite the risks, Stan decides he must take part in the race. The parents finally leave the presentation, only to find themselves in it again; they just can't seem to escape. Randy Marsh threatens to call the police. Stan asks "Thumper" for lessons to help him with the race. This leads into a montage showing everything that is gone on, what is at stake, etc. There is even a song about the montage, playing during the montage. At the end of the montage, Stan appears to be ready. Back at the presentation, the police are there, but it turns out only help with the sales pitch. Everyone, the police, mayor and even the President are said to be working for "Time-Share". Under the threat of guns, the parents continue to listen to the pitchmen and the police. The race down K-13 begins. Stan is slow and steady as Tad (who's far ahead) tries to make sure that Stan can't make it all the way down the hill by putting the distractions in his way. Instead one of the teens distracts Tad and Stan skis down to victory and the youth center is saved. The parents finally catch up with their children, telling them that they finally came to their senses and purchased a time-share that will allow them to come to Aspen two weeks out of every year. The boys (especially Stan) aren't interested as they've found that skiing is confusing, knowing when to "pizza", when to "French fry" and when to do all the things that happen in bad teen ski movies.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.2
31 Ratings
Your score:
82. Freak Strike (edit)
First aired: 3/20/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Jessica Makinson (Voice of Unknown)
Butters refuses to be a replacement for Kenny. The boys start watching The Maury Povich Show, which is featuring disfigured people. When they learn that these freaks can get prizes for appearing on the show they hit upon the idea to create their own freak. Cartman calls the show and get Butters an appearance for his strange condition "chinballalitis". Butters' is against it, but they tell him that Kenny would have done it, because "Kenny was cool." They go to visit the Star Trek dorks to get a set of prosthetic balls made for Butters' face. The boys then send Butters to New York on his own, to appear on the show. At the studio he meets the other freaks in the green room and finds out about the freak circuit, which is how they make their living. The freaks tell him how they treated a freak who turned out to be a fraud. Butters as "Napoleon Bonaparte" makes his appearance on Maury's show. As his prize, Butters is sent directly to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world, which means that the other boys can't share the prize. Cartman calls the Povich show to see if he can get on the show with balls on his face. The show isn't planning on doing anymore freaks shows for a while, so Cartman jumps at the opportunity to appear on a segment called "Please Help My out of Control Child". He convinces his mother to go to New York and lie for him. Butters returns from New York and his parents ground him and then he finds out that the freaks are looking for him. He thinks they are going to find out he is a fraud, but they really want to invite him to participate in their freak strike. Cartman and his mother are set to appear on the show but after the first guest has made her appearance he realizes that he is going to have to change his image if he is going to win a prize. At the freak strike "Freak Out 2K2," Butters is reluctant to participate. Cartman and his mother appear on the show and Cartman is dressed as a total slut. He and the first guest try to out-skank each other. Meanwhile, at the freak strike, the police arrive telling them they must disband, the freaks plan to respond by breaking out the big guns and they prepare a video sabotage. The third guest appears on Maury's show and starts stealing the show, when some video sabotage occurs and the true freaks (with Butters) break into the broadcast. Their message to the viewers is that they need to look for the true freaks, with the union label. The audience realizes they are right and starts leaving. The ratings start to plummet and Maury agrees to a negotiation. Cartman confronts Butters and rips the fake balls from his chin. The freak crowd sees this and goes after Cartman. Just when Butters' thinks he is in the clear, his parent's arrive.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.5
28 Ratings
Your score:
83. Fun With Veal (edit)
First aired: 3/27/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
The kids are on a field trip to Rancher Bob's where they learn about beef. They children (sans Cartman) are disgusted when they find out where veal comes from. The boys decide they need to help the baby cows. That night Stan, Kyle and Butters go to Cartman's, because they need him for his MISSION: Impossible Breaking and Entering play set. He demands that Kyle kiss his ass for his participation. To his disgust, Kyle does. The boys break into the barn and Stan lets the baby cows loose. Only the cows can't move, since they've never walked. One by one they carry the calves to Stan house. To help the calves get strong enough to walk, Butters brings over a Susanne Sommers "Calf Exerciser". Meanwhile, Officer Barbrady and the rancher appear at the Marsh house. Stan's parents are surprised when they see Stan's room filled with calves. Stan pleads his case, but his mother tells him that he has to give the calves back and there is nothing he can do about it. Stan responds by shutting the door in her face and locking it. The boys decide that they will not let the calves out of Stan's room until they have a guarantee of their safety. The other parents arrive at the Marsh home. Sheila and Butter's father try to reach their children, but the boys have survived the first round. The next morning the boys wake up hungry and wondering what to do, when Cartman's mother gives them a picnic basket of food. The boys dig in to the fried chicken and beef jerky, only Stan refuses to eat any meat. At hour 34, the local news is covering the siege and calling the boys terrorists. When the story doesn't prove interesting enough, the TV station switches over to "Puppies around the World". At hour 53 a group of hippies joins the protest. Cartman is disgusted that they've become like "no good, dirty goddamned hippies." At hour 75, the FBI arrives to put an end to the conflict and Stan is showing signs of an illness. The FBI negotiator tries to match wits with Cartman, the negotiator loses. At hour 154, the FBI gives the boys guns and ammunition. Meanwhile, Stan is still showing signs of getting sick. At hour 169, they give Cartman a missile and they tell him that the FDA has officially renamed veal. The FBI negotiator reports that the boys are prepared to come out, if they are given a truck to transport them and the cattle to Denver's airport where they can fly to Mexico. They also demand that Michael Dorn, Worf from Star Trek: TNG, drive the truck in full makeup. That FBI negotiator is replaced by a new that only plans to give in to half of their demands. At hour 201, Michael Dorn and the truck arrives. The boys come out and load the truck with the calves. Stan appears to be very ill; his face is covered with sores. As the truck is passing the cattle ranch, the truck is stopped and the game is over. Cartman orders "Worf" to kill them and he refuses, causing Cartman to comment "some goddamned Klingon you are." The calves are unloaded, but the rancher claims they are now worthless, since the boys got the FDA to change the word veal to "little tortured baby cow." Stan can't celebrate as his sickness has gotten the better of him. The doctor says that he arrived at the hospital just in time. Stan had "vaginitis", the sores were tiny little vaginas that were forming on his skin and had it gone too long, he would have turned into one big giant pussy. The disease started in Stan when he stopped eating meat.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.3
31 Ratings
Your score:
84. The Terrance & Phillip Movie Trailer (edit)
First aired: 4/3/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Spencer Lacey Ganus (Voice of Unknown), Jack Shih (Voice of Unknown)
The boys get ready to watch "The Russell Crowe Show," where each week Russell sets out to go "Fightin' around the World"; which Russell does from the very start of the episode. Shelly interrupts the boys and we learn that the reason they are really watching the show is to see the "exclusive never-before-seen" trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie. Shelly, who'd rather watch Buffy…, but will settle for just making Stan unhappy, allows Stan to strike a deal with her. She's just started getting her period and need tampons, Stan has to go to the store to get her some before she returns. As low man on the totem pole, Butters is giving the task of making the tampon purchase. Meanwhile, on "The Russell Crowe Show," Russell through the recommendation of his tugboat "Tugger" decides to go to China, but before he leaves he beats up a couple of fans. Cartman starts to make adjustments on the TV and blows it up. Desperate the boys race over to Kyle's, meeting Butters along the way, with his tampon purchase in hand. The boys interrupt Ike's program The McNeil-Lehrer Report and tune in just as Russell Crowe is looking for a fight in Tiananmen Square, which he finds or rather starts. Kyle's father makes them give the TV back to Ike. The boys leave, not able to go to Butters (for reasons unknown) or Cartman's house (fumigation), they decide to go to Chef's, who has a new plasma TV with surround sound. Chef isn't quite sure how to turn on his new system, which has "more features than a space shuttle", but the TV is turned on just as the "The Russell Crowe Show" goes to its first commercial break… The first commercial break is a bust; the boys figured it wouldn't be in the first break just so they'd have to keep watching this stupid show. Russell Crowe is now in Brooklyn, where there are a lot of minorities. Chef starts trying to show off the features of his new television and hides the picture on screen behind all the TV's on screen menus. He finally invokes the H.E.M. (Human Eradication Mode) which turns the TV into a robot a la ED-209 from "RoboCop" and the TV leaves the house, blasting away with its lasers. Desperate again the boys race to the local bar where they tune in to find Russell Crowe angry with his editor for cutting the Brooklyn scene short; so Crowe beats up the editor. The boys are thrown out of the bar, despite Cartman's offer of Butters giving hand jobs in the corner, to which Butters exclaims that he's good at all kinds of jobs. Meanwhile, Chef is on the line with customer support trying to stop his television from its killing rampage. The boys stop at a retirement home to take over their television. On the "The Russell Crowe Show" Tugger tries to escape while Russell sings one of his songs, he finally succeeds when he shoots himself. Will he survive? Find out after these messages… Even though they are disappointed after the second break, still no commercial, the boys stay tuned to the show, despite the old people's desire to watch "Puppies Around the World". Russell finds out Tugger's fate, he'll be okay, which makes Russell feel like fighting. Back in the real world, the elderly release their bowels, driving the boys out of their home. Even more desperate, the boys go to Cartman's home, despite the fact that it is covered by a tent and being fumigated. On his show, Russell decides he needs to take up a cause, so he decides to fight cancer, only that "pussy" cancer is nowhere to be found. The fumes are getting to them. Stan remembers that they have an old black and white television; so they race back to his place. When they arrive, Butters realizes he never gave Shelly her tampons and as Stan opens the door, a flood of blood spills through the doorway. Shelly yells out the window that she told them she needed tampons. The boys spot some nearby crack addicts with a TV. They tune it to Russell's show in time to find him beating up a man with cancer. Chef's TV interrupts their viewing by destroying their TV, with Chef still in pursuit and on the line with customer service. They finally find out from Butters why they can't go to his house, it's because he doesn't have a baby-sitter, that's why he was staying at Stan's. Deciding that they will kill Butters later, the boys race to Butter's home, just in time for the start of the third commercial break… After the first part of this commercial break is over, the boys rant and rave about the length of the last commercial break and other issues, when finally what they've been waiting for has arrived, the trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie "Asses of Fire 2", coming June 21st 2002. Finally Russell wraps up his show.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.1
31 Ratings
Your score:
85. Professor Chaos (edit)
First aired: 4/10/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Vernon Chatman (Voice of Towelie)
The boys (Stan, Kyle and Cartman) decide to fire Butters as their replacement best friend for Kenny, the primary reason his being so lame. At home Butters reflects on his firing and decides that if he is going to be an outcast than he will become the greatest super villain the world has ever seen. He creates a super villain costume and calls himself Professor Chaos. Tomorrow the chaos will begin. The next day, Stan, Kyle and Cartman hold auditions for a replacement best friend. The have twenty possibilities to choose from, which they will cut down to 10 after a visit to the amusement park. Meanwhile, Professor Chaos causes confusion at the local Bennigans and elsewhere. Highlights of the amusement park visit are shown, the boys and some of their candidates comment on the day's events. Token, Clyde, Craig, Timmy, Pip, Jimmy, Jason, Towelie, Luigi and Tweek all make the cut, the rest are told to "get the fudge out". Butters finds out that the local news has had no coverage of the chaos that he's created. He decides to step it up a notch. At the school, the boys now want to evaluate how their new friend may work for them during class time. Ms. Choksondik searches for her chalkboard eraser, which disappeared, courtesy of Professor Chaos. The children search, but can't find it. So she pulls out her backup, but she's not smart enough for Professor Chaos. Butters gets an excuse to go to the bathroom, but returns in his guise as the Professor and steals the backup as well. Back at home, Butters dresses his hamsters in outfits and makes them Professor Chaos's minions. He receives a note from someone who knows who he is and wants to meet him at the dock. The boys knock their list down from 10 candidates to six. Token, Timmy, Tweek, Pip, Towelie and Jimmy all make this cut, the rest are told to "get the fudge out". At the dock, Professor Chaos meets with Dougie, who knows his secret. The Professor sets his minions after Dougie, but they run the other way. Dougie a fellow outcast wants to join with the Professor. Butters accepts him and gives him the name General Disarray. There first mission together is to find where the Professor's minions have run off to. Highlights of the swimsuit and talent competition are shown, the boys and some of their candidates comment on those events. The boys then take their candidates to a baseball game. At the game, the Jumbotron picture is interrupted. Professor Chaos is shown on screen trying to implement his latest plan, to flood the world with a garden hose. The crowd responds by taking all their clothes off. Back in South Park, the boys try to make their final decision. Jimmy tries to bribe them. At Butters' home, the water department thwarts Professor Chaos' plan, turning off the hose. The boys are about to announce their final choice for a new friend, as Professor Chaos decides to implement his back up plan. The Professor and General Disarray start using aerosol spray cans in an effort to destroy the ozone layer, when the announcer interrupts asking these thought provoking questions: Will Professor Chaos' latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of earth? And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny? And which of these six South Park residents (Chef, Mr. Garrison, Uncle Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, Ms. Choksondik or Mayor McDaniels) was killed and will never be seen again? "The answer to those questions will be answered, right now." No. Tweek. Ms. Choksondik.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.7
32 Ratings
Your score:
85. Great Destinations (a.k.a., The Most Notorious Episode) (edit)
First aired: 6/19/2002
Writer:
Director:
Guest star:
In this special Matt & Trey stood in front of a waterfall and introduced "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut" and "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut" as being named by Comedy Central as the most "notorious" episodes of the series. Before part 2 began airing in the second half of this one hour event, they relate the story of their April Fool's joke of 1998, which didn't go over very well with the viewers, who took the need to know who Cartman's father was much too seriously.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
6.0
18 Ratings
Your score:
86. Simpsons Already Did It (edit)
First aired: 6/26/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
Kyle and Stan are building a snowman with their new best friend Tweek. Cartman arrives showing them an ad for "Sea People" and convinces them to each contribute $4 a piece so they can place their order and have them tomorrow. Butters (as Professor Chaos) and General Disarray start to launch "Evil Plot 4-B", which is to blot out the sun with an 80 foot high by 50 foot wide giant shade. General Disarray informs him that they already did that on The Simpsons. Professor Chaos looks for another plan. Cartman dreams about having adventure with his "Sea People." The "Sea People" have arrived and Cartman prepares his friends to help welcome them. Stan identifies the "Sea People" for what they really are brine shrimp. Cartman is discouraged, his dreams of the "Sea People" taking him away from reality have been destroyed, and he wants them thrown away. Kyle suggests that they put them in their teacher's coffee the next morning, which they agree to do. Cut to the next morning when the boys and others are watching Ms. Choksondik's body being loaded into an ambulance. Cartman tells the other boys they must keep a strict vow of silence on the matter, to which Tweek exclaims "Jesus Christ we killed her!" At the home of General Disarray, Professor Chaos arrives with the results of his latest scheme. He has removed the head from the statue in the town's square. The local news coverage reminds him that this same event occurred in a classic episode of the The Simpsons. Everyone in town is delighted at the prank and prefers to leave it headless so that they can always be reminded of this classic show. Professor Chaos is bummed out. Meanwhile, the boys are watching "Terrence & Philip" and are pretending like nothing has happened. When they switch over to the news they see a report that says that the cause of death for Diane Choksondik has not yet been found, but a quantity of "Sea Men" was found in her stomach. Tweek wants nothing to do with the others, but they suggest that he, as their new best friend, might have to take the fall. The boys go to see Chef for some advice and he has none to offer. They decide that they must break into the morgue and retrieve their "Sea Men" from Ms. Choksondik's body. Professor Chaos lies out "Plan #123-D" (monorail) for General Disarray, who informs him "The Simpsons already did it in episode 204(sic)". [See note 1 below.] The Simpsons have also already done his plans #124-A (web site gossip) and #129-E (buried angel) as well. At the hospital, the boys search for "Sea Men" in Ms. Choksondik's body. When the morgue attendants return, the boys hide. With nowhere else to go, Cartman hides himself in Ms. Choksondik's body. When the coast is clear, the boys escape, but Cartman remains behind to gather the sample. Professor Chaos is informed that The Simpsons have already done plans #127-C (soccer riot) and #125-E (shaken beer can). Discouraged, Professor Chaos decides he might just run away and join the circus, until he is informed "The Simpsons did it." [See note 2 below.] Cartman has Ms. Choksondik's semen sample, which he returns to the "Sea People" tank. Chef arrives with tickets to get them out of town. They tell him that he doesn't need to worry any longer; they've retrieved the "Sea Men." Confused, he has them tell their story from the beginning. Now that Chef understands what has really happened, he tells them there is nothing to worry about; Ms. Choksondik couldn't have died from the brine shrimp. Chef and the other boys leave Cartman in his bedroom, where he goes to sleep with no worries; but he soon may have something to worry about as the sperm in the semen sample that he put into his "Sea People" tank have joined with the brine shrimp. At the bus stop the next morning Cartman gets the boys to come to his place to see what has happened. It seems per Cartman's "Final Theory of Composite Dynamics" that the "Sea People + Sea Men" have joined together to create a "Sea Ciety," to the point where they have built buildings, etc. Cartman wants to where they can take this, so he needs a bigger tank, more "Sea People" (5 gallons worth) and 10 gallons of "Sea Men," which he will go out on the town and collect himself. Having watched all 132 episodes (sic) of the The Simpsons [See note 3 below.], Professor Chaos is hit upon a scheme that they haven't already done, that is to replace the contents of a cherry with "yukky, sticky mayonnaise." General Disarray comments that The Simpsons' scheme would have been more clever. When they are ready to leave to execute this evil scheme an ad comes on for tonight's episode of The Simpsons in which Bart is going to replace the contents of a chocolate covered cherry with mayonnaise. [See note 4 below.] At South Park's Sperm Bank Cartman negotiates to get all the semen they can give him. Professor Chaos is seeing The Simpsons in everyone and everywhere he goes. At Cartman's home all the elements come together to allow them to see what kind of "Sea Ciety" they can create with the bigger tank. The following morning, Cartman awakes to find that the "Sea People" have evolved even further. The "Sea People" are worshipping his as their god. Everyone is invited over to Cartman's house to see this new "Sea Ciety." Butters is there, but is still seeing The Simpsons in everyone and everything. In fact he even realizes that Cartman's civilization was already done as a story on the The Simpsons. To which the boys reply "so;" after all The Simpsons have been on the air for over 13 years and they have already done everything. Chef adds that the particular part of The Simpsons was actually taken from an episode of The Twilight Zone. With all this new information, Butters is ready to wreak chaos once again. Meanwhile in the "Sea Ciety" a statue of Tweek is created and the two disparate parts of the "Sea Ciety" go to war with each another and blow themselves up.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
9.1
35 Ratings
Your score:
87. Red Hot Catholic Love (edit)
First aired: 7/3/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
Father Maxi announces that some of the parish's boys will be able to participate on weekend boat trip with bishops and priests from around the country. Given the very idea of it causes Randy Marsh to hallucinate about "The Catholic Boat" and causes him to recommend that their boys shouldn't participate in such a trip, given all that has been going on in the news about priests molesting young boys. The parents decide that their boys shouldn't participate in this trip, at least until after they discover if Father Maxi has been hiding anything from them. To that end they bring in an outside counselor who begins to question the boys about Father Maxi. Before the results are in, the parents decide to become atheists, after all why would God allow their children to be molested. Because of a question the counselor has asked them, the boys try to figure out what a priest would have ever wanted to put in their butts. They try to ask Chef, but he just leaves, avoiding the topic. Cartman has a theory that maybe if you stuck food in your butt, you would crap out of your mouth. Kyle, who's just joined the boys, tells Cartman that's impossible and he agrees to a $20 bet that Cartman is wrong. The parents tell their children that they are atheists now. In the meantime, Father Maxi has convened a meeting of fellow priests to figure out how their can bring their church attendance figures back up and more importantly, how to keep the boys mouths shut. When those statements are made, Father Maxi is shocked to find out his fellow priests have regularly been engaging in sexual activity with boys. It's their "way of life." He decides he needs to go to the Vatican for help. Cartman is trying crap something out of his mouth and to Kyle's amazement he is successful. In Vatican City, Father Maxi meets with the Pope and an assemblage of priests, bishops and cardinals from around the world. Father Maxi is further shocked to discover that having sex with young boys is a "way of life" for priests around the world. His suggestion that they change their "holy document of Vatican law" to forbid sex with young boys is met with numerous protests. Cartman asks Kyle what he can buy with the $20 he won. At the Marsh home, atheist life is shown to have its advantages. Stan tells them about Cartman's achievement with food. Randy doesn't believe it, so he tries it for himself and is surprised with the result. Father Maxi suggests that sex with women be allowed instead. He is eventually told that the reason that the "holy document of Vatican law" cannot be changed is because no one knows where it is, other than it is somewhere in the basement of St. Peters and that several trials must be overcome to retrieve it. Cartman is still relishing in have Kyle's $20, when the boys see a news report with the surgeon general who says that ingesting food backwards is healthier for you. People all over the country are changing their eating habits. For his discovery of this new method of healthy eating, Cartman is going to be given a medal from the mayor. Kyle is beside himself at this news. Despite being interrupted to answer a few questions about other matters, on Martha Stewart's Living program she gives advice on preparing foods that are easy to insert up the ass. She demonstrates it on a whole turkey. Meanwhile, under St. Peter's Father Maxi prepares himself for the trials he will encounter on his quest to retrieve the "holy document." After a "Pitfall" videogame style set of trials, he finds the document. Back in South Park at a meeting of the Atheists club the parents decide that they must combat the religious right to get the phrase under God removed from "The Pledge of Allegiance" and any reference to God removed from currency. Father Maxi returns with the document and he asks for changes to be made. The Pope pipes up and requests that they consult a higher authority. "The Great Queen Spider" is summoned and she says that the rules cannot be changed. Outraged at all this, Father Maxi tears up the holy document and St. Peter's begins to crumble all around them. Cartman is still delighting in Kyle's $20, when Kyle finally tells Cartman that he was totally 100% right all along and that he should have never doubted him and he is proud to have him as a friend. This really pisses Cartman off. The boy's parents are delighted to hear that the Vatican is burning down. In watching the television coverage, they are all moved back into the option of having religion back in their lives, when they hear Father Maxi tell his fellow Catholics that they need to change and get in touch with the real world. After all, without religion in their lives they'll just go around spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.4
30 Ratings
Your score:
88. Free Hat (edit)
First aired: 7/10/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Toni Nugnes
Guest star:
The boys are at the movies to see a new edition of Star Wars: Episode V and they become outraged when they see previews for all the release movies that are coming out with digitally enhanced effects. When they find out what has changed in the movie they are about to see, they decide to leave the theatre. They decide to form a club to save films from their directors that have started changing their favorite movies. To get people to come to the first meeting of their new club, Cartman suggests that they offer free hats. Not knowing how many will show up for the meeting, Tweek is charged with making at least 50 hats, which Cartman says they can make out of newspaper. The next day Tweek only shows up with 15 hats, which wouldn't be a problem, except that Stan estimates that about 1,000 people have shown up. Yes, a large number did turn out, although not for the boys' cause, or for a free hat; they thought the "free Hat" on the poster was to help get a guy named Hat McCullough released from prison. The boys convince these people to help them out with their cause and the boys promise to also help "free Hat." Ted Koppel wants the boys to appear on Nightline wants the boys to come on the show to talk about their cause. Ted briefly mentions the boys' film cause but goes right into wanting to know why the boys want to free Hat McCullough, a self-confessed serial killer of 23 babies. The topic gets changed over to their cause and the boys start to make their points when Steven Spielberg and George Lucas join them on the show. The boys believe it is all about making money, while the directors cite wanting to reach a new audience. When Kyle makes a comment about "Raiders of the Lost Ark," it makes Spielberg and Lucas realize that they've forgotten to update that film. With "Raiders…" on the line, the boys try to get their group to help them retrieve the original negative of the film. Their group agrees, but first they need to "free Hat". With no help from their club members, the boys decide they need to go the Skywalker Ranch themselves. With too much pressure, Tweek wants out; but the boys give he him another chance to continue being their new best friend. At the Skywalker Ranch the boys find the negative, but are caught by George Lucas. They attempt to cool George's icy heart with a cool island song. They just about get George over to their cause, when Spielberg enters with his walkie-talkie toting guards. The boys attempt to escape, only Tweek manages to get away, the others are caught and Spielberg plans to keep them prisoner until the premiere of the revised version of "Raiders…" We segue to the commercial break, where there is an ad for the "digitally re-enhanced re-release of the pilot episode of South Park." Matt and Trey appear in the commercial commenting that the reason they used construction paper was because it was cheap. Now it will look sharp, clean, focused and expensive. Tweek appeals to the members of the club for help in rescuing the other boys, but they are still more interested in the "free Hat" aspect of their organization. In fact they decide implement a variation of the boys plan by trying to use a fresh island song to cool the hot temper of the governor, so that he will free Hat McCullough. This leaves Tweek alone and on his own to rescue the boys. The remainder of the episode is mostly reminiscent of end of the "Raiders…" Tweek finds the boys being led to the premiere of the film and with his bazooka Tweek is prepared to blow up the revised print of the film. Only Spielberg convinces Tweek that he really wants to see this new print of the film and Tweek does give in. Meanwhile the other members of their club entertain the governor. The "Raiders" premiere begins. The boys are tied up in the background as the "Ark of the Covenant" is opened and the new print is removed. Stan tells the other boys to close their eyes and not watch the film. The film is as bad as the boys have feared and Lucas, Coppola and Spielberg come to their end, a la the Nazis in "Raiders…" Back in South Park, the boys are congratulated on their accomplishment of getting Hat McCullough released from prison. Kyle wonders if they did a good thing. They also wonder what happened to the original "Raiders…" negatives. Stan tells them not worry; they are where no one will ever find them. We cut to a warehouse filled with crates that are ear-marked for the Red Cross's 9/11 Relief Funds.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.5
33 Ratings
Your score:
89. Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society (edit)
First aired: 7/17/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Chris "Crispy" Brown (Voice of Unknown), Shay Hughes (Voice of Unknown), Megan Staley (Voice of Unknown), Eric Stough (Voice of Unknown), Tom Vogt (Voice of Unknown)
Two weeks after the death of Ms. Choksondik the boys have to return to school. Cartman, who isn't quite over the tragic death, is in the basement playing with his dolls. At school, when Bebe returns she shows the other girls that she has begun to develop breasts. Mr. Mackey has become their substitute teacher and he decides to help them get over the death of Ms. Choksondik by hiding their emotions with math problems. Kyle is the first boy to notice something different about Bebe. All the boys begin to take notice. When Bebe answers the first math problem, all the boys are in awe of how smart she is. They decide she can hang out with them. They all invite her to come throw rocks at cars with them. When Kyle tries to show Bebe a better method for throwing rocks, he and the other boy's primal instincts start to flair up as they vie for Bebe's attention. When Bebe enters the classroom the next day, all the boys say hi, while Wendy rolls her eyes and says "Oh for Christ's sake." Mr. Mackey asked the students to write a paper. It turns out that all the boys have written their papers about Bebe. The boys love it when Bebe reads her paper and laugh when they heard the subject of Wendy's paper. In the lunchroom the boys are looking for Bebe, the girls on the other hand are talking about Bebe. Bebe overhears some of the girl's parting comments. Bebe is distraught with her girlfriends having said those things to her. She talks with her mother about the fact that she now has guy friends who think she is "smart and cool." She decides if the girls don't want to be her friend that's okay, "guys are way cooler anyways." Stan, Kyle and Cartman have a meeting with Tweek. The purpose of which is to get rid of a friend to make room for Bebe as their new best friend. Cartman decides that Kyle should go; but both Kyle and Stan both object. They also object when Cartman suggests that they should get rid Tweek. At the bus stop the next morning the lineup is Stan, Kyle, Bebe and Tweek; Cartman has been kicked out. Cartman voices his anger at the other boys, but tells Bebe she is still cool. The boys decide to make Bebe their class president. Since Wendy is already class president, she objects; even if they don't, Wendy knows why the boys are drawn to Bebe. Stan, Kyle and Tweek are going over to Bebe's house to watch Terrance & Phillip. At the door they encounter Timmy and some of the other boys who were planning to visit Bebe as well. The boys all find out that Bebe is with Cartman and she is in his basement playing "Lambs" with him. The boys find them there and they all try to get Bebe's attention. Their primal instincts take hold again and they start fighting over her. Bebe is staying inside her home as the boys are outside fighting amongst themselves. Bebe's mother tells her she is blossoming into a woman. Bebe isn't sure she wants to. She realizes that her hooters are the reason the boys are interested in her. The boys are shooed home, but in their primal state two crash-landed space shuttle astronauts decide they would rather be dead then live on a planet ruled by apes. Bebe sees a doctor to find out about breast reduction surgery, she has $212 and a gold bracelet. Bebe wants the surgery so that she won't be treated differently the rest of her life. If she has everything she wants, she'll grow up to be a lame person. The doctor isn't in favor of her getting the reduction surgery, but he does offer to enlarge them for her. Sharon Marsh is worried about her son. Randy realizes that Stan has discovered breasts and he has a talk with him, telling him that there will be many in his lifetime. He shouldn't let them get in the way of his friendships, until he finds the right set of boobs to spend the rest of his life with. Bebe makes the decision to not let her conspiring breasts control her life. Wendy sees the doctor seeking breast implants. Since she has $3000 she is a perfect candidate, despite only being 8 years old. In class the next day Bebe shows up wearing a cardboard box and it neutralizes her breasts effect on the boys. Stan realizes the power of the breast and they decide that its power won't get in their way any longer. When Wendy walks in with her over-sized enlarged breasts, the boys just start laughing at her.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.1
31 Ratings
Your score:
90. Child Abduction is Not Funny (edit)
First aired: 7/24/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
Tweek is watching TV and learns that children are not safe. With fear of child abductions, his parent's talk to him about the fact that they have installed new locks on his windows and doors and that he should never allow anyone, other than his parents into his room. That night they test him and he fails. They remind him of the danger of talking with strangers. When he goes to the movies with the other boys he freaks out when he doesn't recognize the ticket taker, so he runs away. He keeps running into strangers asking him for help, so he keeps freaking out and running away. Later that night "The Ghost of Human Kindness" comes to reform Tweek. The ghost shows him examples of human kindness that always gets overlooked by the news. "The Ghost of Human Kindness" turns out to be a child abductor named Frederick Johnson who is caught. The outraged parents demand that the mayor take action. The parents suggest a way to keep unwanted strangers out of their town, build a wall around it. The mayor and parents appeal to the owner of City Wok to build a wall for them around the town. The City Wok owner builds them a "Great Wall" like the one his own ancestors built centuries ago. With the wall completed the City Wok owner finds that some Mongolians have come to try knocking it down. Stan's parents purchase a Child Tracker, which Stan must wear on his head like a helmet. He worries about being seen in it, but he has nothing to fear, since all of the children are now wearing them. The Mongolians make another assault on the "Great Wall." The South Park Cows baseball team finds that they must play against no one, since the "Great Wall" keeps everyone out. A new study comes out that indicates that most child abductions occur by someone the child knows in their town. The parents immediately take their children home. The City Wok owner plans to defeat the Mongolians with a heat-seeking missile surprise; they divert it by throwing a flaming baseball back at the owner. The parents wait at the bus stop with their children and then attend class with them. The City Wok owner plans to use a sweet and sour pork concoction on the Mongolian's heads. The Mongolians deliver a Trojan Mongolian Horse to the gate. The owner, knowing what is going on plays their game, only to be surprised when he is covered by the contents of the horse, a sweet and sour pork concoction. The news reports more facts about child abductions; it turns out most abductions are done by the child's parents. To reduce temptation, the parents send their children out on their own. The City Wok owner is licked free of the sweet and sour pork by a dog. The parents wonder where their children have gone. The children have found a safe haven for themselves; they are living with the Mongolians. The City Wok owner makes his last stand to protect the "Great Wall." The boys help the Mongolians to blow a hole in the wall. Their parents see them on the other side of the wall and begin to realize that they've overreacted to all the sensationalistic news reports. The parents fear that their children don't recognize them. Stan comments on how stupid their parents are and Kyle tells the parents it has only been four days. The parents work to renew their bonds with their children. Tweek's father comments that the "The Ghost of Human Kindness" was right all along. Randy Marsh thinks it was the Mongolians who proved that walls built around things need to be knocked down to bring people together. The mayor tells the City Wok owner to tear down the wall. As Stan goes home with his parents he comments to Stan that their parents have done some really stupid things in the past, but this one…

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.8
34 Ratings
Your score:
90. South Park 5th Anniversary Special (edit)
First aired: 9/3/2002
Writer:
Director:
Guest star: Matt Stone (Himself), Trey Parker (Himself), Jay Leno (Himself), Chris Klein (Himself), Hugh Hefner (Himself), Danny DeVito (Himself)
This was a pay-per-view cable event that features Matt & Trey celebrating their 5th anniversary "with their favorite episodes, and a star studded party packed with celebrity guests."

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
4.9
12 Ratings
Your score:
91. A Ladder to Heaven (edit)
First aired: 11/6/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman win all the candy the can eat, and all they need is the original ticket stub for the contest. The owner gives them one week to return with the winning ticket stub. The boys try to remember what they did with the ticket stub and they realize that they gave it to Kenny to hold. We all know that Kenny's been dead for a while, although the boys may have forgotten when they go to the McKormick house and ask to see him. They know he's dead, but they want to see his body. Kenny's parents invite them in and show them an urn filled with Kenny ashes. Later that night, they sneak into the house and steal the urn. They empty the contents of the urn and don't find Kenny or the ticket stub. Cartman decides that Kenny's ashes must really be chocolate milk powder, so he mixes them with milk and drinks them. That night he starts having flashbacks, were he is seeing through the eyes of Kenny. The next day, Kyle has come up with a plan that will allow them to see Kenny. They will build a ladder to heaven, climb it, find Kenny and get the winning ticket. The parents find out what the boys are doing and they (and the entire community) find it touching, except for Mr. Garrison. Even country singer Alan Jackson has written a song about it. Meanwhile the boys keep building their ladder as Cartman has another Kenny flashback. News comes in from Japan that they are building their own ladder to heaven. The boys' ladder stacks up really high when they run out of stuff to build it with; but have no fear, the U.S. government is here! Not ready to let the Japanese beat them to heaven, they provide the boys will the additional material they need. They boys are up pretty high, and haven't found heaven yet. A blow to the head from Kyle makes Cartman have another flashback. In Washington, the Army reports to the President that Saddam Hussein is building weapons of mass destruction in heaven. 51% of the population believes that we should bomb heaven. The boys find out that Kenny was cremated and what it means. Kenny's parents find out that Cartman has drunk Kenny ashes and replaced them with kitty litter. Cartman goes to an abortion clinic to get the living thing inside of him, sucked out. Cartman has another Kenny flashback and realizes where Kenny placed the ticket stub. At the UN, the US reports what they've discovered about heaven and Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. One of the delegates wonders if the US representative is high or incredibly stupid. The US rep assures him that he's not high. Cartman tells the boys about his vision. They try to stimulate his vision. Japan reports that they have reached heaven, although their shoddy sets fall apart, the parents believe they have actually made it. The US plans to take Saddam out, when the ladder is finished. The boys announce to everyone standing around the ladder that they won't be building the ladder any longer as they've gotten their ticket stub and went on their candy store shopping spree. The boys have come to the conclusion that heaven isn't a real place anyway; it's more of an intangible idea. Their parents (and everyone else) come to the same conclusion and leave. Cartman has another Kenny flashback that makes them all think that Kenny may be alive inside him. Meanwhile, in heaven, Saddam Hussein is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and disguising them as a chocolate chip factory. God starts to suspect something, but Saddam quickly covers it up and gets back to work.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.9
35 Ratings
Your score:
92. The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers (edit)
First aired: 11/13/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Rochelle Leffler (Voice of Unknown), Adrien Beard (Voice of Token Williams/ Token's Dad)
Cartman, Stan and Kyle are in full Middle Earth regalia and are in search of a quest, when Stan's dad gives them one: bring the copy of "The Lord of the Rings" video they rented over to Butters' house. They embark immediately, and with the children gone, Randy and Sharon prepare to watch a pornographic movie. They put the videotape in, and the soon realize that the pornographic movie they rented is what they gave the children to deliver to Butters' house. The children complete their quest, and Butters' gets to watch the movie on his own. Sharon and Randy drive over to Butters' house to see if they can get the videotape back. They meet the children on the road, and give them a new quest, go back and retrieve the videotape that has the evil power. The boys retrieve "the one tape" and Butters' goes after them. Butters asks if he can join them on their quest and they tell him to join them he must play "Lord of the Rings." He immediately jumps on Kyle's back and starts humping him. They call him a freak and leave Butters at his house, where he laments the loss of his "precious." The boys start to return the videotape, when they encounter sixth graders. The sixth graders take the videotape and are very interested in keeping it, once they see what the contents of the videotape box actually are, "Back Door Sluts 9." The boys get the videotape back and go on the run from the sixth graders. The Marshes arrive at the Stotch's home and confess about the videotape. Then they see what viewing the videotape has done to Butters. The boys continue to hide from the sixth graders, who attempt to smell them out. They decide they need to go and see the high elf. The parents all get together and Randy reveals to them the title of the missing porno as "Back Door Sluts 9," which the men all immediately recognize. The boys arrive at the high elf's home and it is decided a meeting of the council is called. The sixth graders raise an army to retrieve the videotape. At the council meeting, Token is given the task of viewing the videotape; meanwhile the sixth graders and the parents are on the lookout for the boys. After a few minutes of viewing the videotape, Token returns and tells everyone that he's "not playing anymore." The council is in awe of power of this videotape, resulting in their decision that the videotape must be returned to the video store from whence it came. That store is located in Bailey, a town located on the other side of a mountain. Stan volunteers to return the videotape and the high elf appoints others to accompany him, calling them "The Fellowship of the Lord of the Rings." "The Fellowship" is on their quest as their parents arrive at Token's home, and tell his parents about the videotape. The parents talk to Token about the videotape. Randy Marsh tries to explain the lovemaking on the videotape to Token, who retorts with questions about multiple penises, 5 midgets and Thousand Island dressing. The parents ask them if he knows where the boys went with the videotape. Upon entering Bailey, "The Fellowship" encounters some children playing "Harry Potter." Cartman tells "The Fellowship" that Butters has been following them for about 2 hours. Then they see the sixth graders coming, Jimmy tries to stop them. Cartman suggests that cross the river, since sixth graders don't like water. With that kind of thinking, two members of "The Fellowship" decide to go home. Cartman it turns out is right, as the sixth graders seek an alternate means to cross the river. All that remains of "The Fellowship" is lost after crossing the river, Butters reveals himself and tells them he knows where the video store is located. He just wants to be able to see his "precious." The parents encounter Jimmy and find out the boys are going to video store. "The Fellowship" reaches the video store, as do the sixth graders who are descending on them. The video store is closed, but there is a drop box. Before they can put the videotape inside, Butters grabs the videotape. Kyle manages to catch him, and when Butters won't give up the videotape, Kyle throws him and the videotape into the drop box. The sixth graders are ready to beat them up when their parent arrive. The parents try to put the videotape, which "The Fellowship" has never seen, into context for the boys. This only serves to confuse them. As they get ready to leave, Butters' parents wonder where he's gotten to. Cut to inside the videotape drop box, where Butters is enjoying the company of his "precious."

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
9.2
40 Ratings
Your score:
93. The Death Camp of Tolerance (edit)
First aired: 11/20/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
Principal Victoria promotes Mr. Garrison to teaching the 4th grade, but her offhand comment about them not being able to fire him for being gay, gives him an idea. Mr. Garrison introduces his 4th grade students to his replacement for Mr. Hat, Mr. Slave. Cartman (channeling Kenny) makes a paper airplane that gets him into trouble. Instead of Cartman being punished for the act, Mr. Garrison spanks Mr. Slave. The boy's parents are having their book of the month club meeting where they are discussing a Nancy Drew mystery, when the boys come home and try to tell them about Mr. Garrison's behavior in class that day. The parents decide their children need to go to the Museum of Tolerance, to get educated. The tour guide and the parents accompany the children through all of their exhibits and prove that they are tolerant of anything, except the guy who is smoking. Mr. Garrison is surprised that he wasn't fired for yesterday's behavior. Today he sticks a tube into Mr. Slave's ass and then inserts a gerbil named Lemmiwinks into the tube. Lemmiwinks travels inside of Mr. Slave and is trapped, much to Mr. Slave's delight. The boys report to Chef that they are intolerant of gays. They tell him about what Mr. Garrison did in class today. He goes to talk to the Principal. Mr. Garrison believes the gerbil incident will surely get him fired. Meanwhile, inside Mr. Slave's large intestine, Lemmiwinks is visited by the specter of a frog who tells him that he must journey through the intestines and past the stomach to reach freedom. Mr. Garrison reports to the principal's office, but instead of firing him, she sends Chef off to a tolerance seminar. The boys refuse to go to class, which causes their parents to decide, at Mr. Mackey's suggestion that the boys must go to Tolerance Camp, where they will intensively learn how to be tolerant. The boys arrive at Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, which is being run by men who are fanatical about their devotion to teaching tolerance. Mr. Garrison is going to get a "Courageous Teacher" award for his ability to put up with all the intolerance of his students. Mr. Slve suggests that they put on a show in front of the parents at the awards banquet that will get him fired. Meanwhile, Lemmiwinks make progress on his journey through Mr. Slave's intestines. The children are suffering at Tolerance Camp. Mr. Garrison has concocted his plan to get fired at the awards ceremony. Meanwhile, Lemmiwinks makes it to the stomach. At Tolerance Camp, Kyle passes out from the incessant work they've been put through. Mr. Garrison is given his "Courageous Teacher" award and his attempt to shock the very tolerant crowd doesn't work. Irked at their tolerance of his behavior, he reminds them all that tolerance and acceptance are two different things; you can tolerate something and still be pissed off about it. The parents realize their mistake and leave to get their children back. Mr. Garrison still wants to be fired, but instead Principal Victoria sends him and Mr. Slave to the Tolerance Camp. The boys emerge from the Tolerance Camp looking like they just left a WW II concentration camp. Lemmiwinks emerges from Mr. Slave and is crowned "Gerbil King."

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.7
30 Ratings
Your score:
94. The Biggest Douche in the Universe (edit)
First aired: 11/27/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star: Karin Perrotta (Voice of Unknown)
Cartman is rushed to the hospital, it appears as though his possession by Kenny is putting him in a bad way, but all the doctor can say is that he is "running out of time." Stan and Kyle go to Chef to find out whether they should care about Cartman's health. They bring Chef up to speed on Cartman drinking Kenny's ashes and his subsequently being possessed by Kenny's soul. Chef accompanies the two boys to the hospital, where Chef recommends that they take Cartman to a medium to find out how they might extract Kenny's soul. The medium Chef wants to see is in New York, John Edward, the television psychic. Cartman, his mother, Chef, Stan and Kyle fly to New York; on board the plane they are treated to a preview for a new Rob Schneider movie: ROB SCHNEIDER IS "THE STAPLER." At John Edward's show, the boys get Edward's attention, but his "reading" of Cartman is brief and offers them no advice. Although Kyle gets spooked when Edwards mentions that his dead grandmother knows he isn't doing what she asked him to do; he tells Kyle to look for four white doves. Chef is discouraged at the results of the television show and decides that they need to take Cartman to see his parent's in Scotland. Cartman, his mother and Chef will go to Scotland, while Stan and Kyle are to go back home to South Park. Stan and Kyle are going to go to their plane, when Kyle sees a poster for Jewleeard, a private school for young Jews. The poster features 4 white birds on it, so Kyle is convinced that this is where he needs to be to fulfill his grandmother's wishes. Skeptical Stan tries to talk him out of it, to no avail. Stan goes to the home of John Edward, to see if he can get Edward to tell Kyle that it was a trick and it was just for fun. Edward believes that what he does helps people; Stan believes tells Edward that he is a stupid douche. When Edward runs away from Stan, he takes it to the next level and nominates Edward for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award. Stan finds some of Edward's books on how to do psychic readings and takes them with him as he leaves. On the long flight to Scotland, Cartman, his mother and Chef are treated to another Rob Schneider movie, this one is for: ROB SCHNEIDER IS "A CARROT." Stan tells Kyle of his visit to John Edward and what a douche he is. When John Edward's name is mentioned, a crowd spouting the incredible things John Edward has done begins forming around Stan. Stan tries to show them how Edward's trick is done, but the only thing that happens as a result of this demonstration is Stan gets his own "talking to the dead" show. In Scotland, Chef's parents meet the Cartman and his mother. Chef's father identifies that there is indeed another children in there. Chef's mother puts on her ceremonial garments and begins a ritual that will let Kenny's soul go free. Meanwhile, back in the US, Stan's psychic reading show "The Other Side" premieres. Stan tries to tell his audience that it is all a trick, but they just won't believe him, they thoroughly believe that he is psychic. In Scotland, Kenny's spirit is about to break free from Cartman, when the potatoes are ready and Chef's parents found out that they didn't bring a victim child with them, the one who will receive Kenny's spirit. Kenny's spirit breaks free and has nowhere to go as it flies about the room. Another Rob Schneider trailer is seen, this one is for: DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB STARRING ROB SCHNEIDER. At the Jeweelard School Stan continues to try to convince Kyle about John Edward's trickery. Kyle says Stan is just jealous because Edward is a better psychic than he is. Stan gives up, but as he is leaving he encounters John Edward. Stan continues to call him a douche and John Edward responds by challenging Stan to a psychic showdown, which Stan accepts. Meantime, in Scotland, Chef's mother tries to offer Kenny's soul $3.50 to fly out the window. Kenny's spirit finds a new home in the pot roast that Chef's mother was preparing. They wrap the pot roast up for a return trip to Colorado and Cartman appears to be feeling better. The psychic showdown is about to begin, when Stan tells the audience that he's learned something today, he realizes why they need to believe in John Edward, but he feels that they need to recognize that what John Edward does is a magic trick, and that was is really going on in the world "is much more amazing than this douche." The audience applauds Stan, and Kyle finally sees the light. Stan tells John Edward to get over himself, when Edward claims that he is someone special. The ceiling of the TV studio breaks open and an alien space ship lands on the stage. Five aliens emerge from the ship looking for John Edward. They want to take him back into space, where he has been nominated for award of "Biggest Douche in the Universe." Back at Denver's airport, Chef and the Cartmans realize that they've left the pot roast with Kenny's soul in baggage claim, but they are too late to retrieve it when we find out that: ROB SCHNEIDER IS "KENNY." Out in deep space, John Edward wins the award. Kenny dies while he was trapped in Rob Schneider's body. He was being chased in the commercial for the Kenny movie and died while having his head pierced through a flagpole.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
9.0
33 Ratings
Your score:
95. My Future Self n' Me (edit)
First aired: 12/4/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Eric Stough, Trey Parker
Guest star:
The boys find a discarded joint, the boys fear if they touch it, it will lead to harder drugs. Stan tells them they are stupid for believing everything they are told. He takes the joint and throws it away. A huge electrical storm rages through South Park. At the Marsh home, Stan and his grandfather are watching The Osbournes. The TV channel gets changed over to the news, where they are reporting that a naked man, who claims he is from the future, is on the loose. That naked man knocks on the door of the Marsh home and says that he is Stan, from the future. He tells them things that Stan would only know. He mentions that in the future, he was doing some drugs during an electrical storm and found himself back in the past. Randy and Sharon are convinced that he is Stan and they decide to let him stay. Old Stan stays with Stan in his room and the following morning he joins Stan and the others at the bus stop. Stan introduces his 32-year-old self to the others. Cartman is delighted at the result of Stan being a loser in the future. After school Stan stays to be tutored by Butters in their schoolwork, because he doesn't want to become his future self. Butters mentions that his life has gone downhill since his future self joined him about 4 months ago. Stan goes to Butters' home to see Old Butters; he decides it is too much of a coincidence that there are two future selves in their time. He looks at Old Stan's wallet and finds an entrance key that expires in 2002 for a company called Motivation Corp. He and Butters go "off on an adventure" and discover that both of their future selves are fakes. The company creates them to help parents talk to their children about drugs and alcohol. Stan is mad and decides he needs to do something to get back at his parents for lying to him. Butters makes a decision to, it's time to let Stan in on a horrible secret, Professor Chaos. After seeing Butters in his costume, Stan tells him that it's okay if he is gay. Stan and Butters decide they want to runaway and are looking for a destination, when Butters finds an ad for "The Parental Revenge Center of Western America." Stan calls the number and makes an appointment. When they arrive at their appointment, they find out that Cartman is the principal behind this new business. Cartman tells them that parents only respond to consequences, which he will give them in a very real and direct way. Randy and Sharon report to Motivation Corp. that Old Stan is working out well. Back in Cartman's office, he lays out a plan for revenge on Butters' parents, involving smearing poo on all the walls of their home. His plan for Stan parent's home is along the same line, but Stan rejects that idea. Cartman's other idea is more extreme, Stan decides to do something on his own. At dinner he tries to trick his older self into revealing himself, but it doesn't work. He tells his parents that he doesn't believe his future self is real, that it is an elaborate hoax. For proper motivation, communication should be direct and honest. His parents respond by trying to keep the lie alive. Cartman personally supervises the smearing of the poo on the walls of the Stotch family home. At the Marsh home, Stan plays hardball with his parents. He is going to cut off his left hand. Stan fakes cutting off his left hand, and Randy responds by hacking Old Stan's left hand off as well. Stan arrives at the Butters' house and tells him they just need to run away. Butters' parents return and see the poo smeared on the wall and realize that they were wrong for lying to their child. They confess their guilt. Randy and Sharon arrive and continue to lie to him. He tells them that he knows about Motivation Corp. They finally come to understanding about their need to communicate openly and honestly about drugs and alcohol. Randy Marsh knows who to blame, Motivation Corp. Outside Motivation Corp, the Randy, Sharon and Stan are with Cartman as they hear the screams from inside the building. Cartman's company has created another smear campaign. Cartman says that all this talk about future selves has given him the realization that he should take better care of himself. A man comes up to him and congratulates him for this moment, the moment where he changed his life. He becomes successful in the future and starts his own time travel. Cartman, not believing a word of it, as he is leaving calls the man an asshole and vows to eat his way through childhood and "do what he wants." The man's size increases and he becomes a fat man with a toolbox.

Recap | Quotes | Cast | Goofs | Reviews
8.7
31 Ratings
Your score:
96. Red Sleigh Down (edit)
First aired: 12/11/2002
Writer: Trey Parker
Director: Trey Parker
Guest star:
Kyle's cousin Kyle calculates how naughty Cartman has been this year. Cartman wants Santa to bring him a cool new toy called Haibo. It's a robot doll that you must care for, else it dies. Looking at the naughty/nice balance sheet, Cartman has been far naughtier than nice this year. Cartman searches for a way to be so nice that will adjust the balance back in his favor. He starts by being nice to everyone, which makes Kyle and Stan suspicious. The mayor's speech about Iraq and those less fortunate gives Cartman an idea and gets Stan and Kyle to help him out. Jimmy is set to light the town's Christmas tree, but decides that he wants to sing a song first. Jimmy starts singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Cartman has decided to bring Christmas to Iraq. Skeptical that Cartman can pull that off; Stan and Kyle want to know why Cartman is really trying to this. Mr. Hankey arrives on the scene and thinks that Cartman is really full of the Christmas spirit. He suggests to the boys that Santa Claus can help them out. Mr. Hankey uses Christmas magic to whip up the "Poo-Choo Express." He takes Cartman, Kyle and Stan to the North Pole to meet Santa Claus. Meanwhile, Jimmy is singing about the 3rd day. At the North Pole, Mr. Hankey introduces the boys to Santa Claus in his "Fortress of Solitude." They also encounter the underpants gnomes, who work there two months out of the year. Cartman tells Santa his idea, which Santa agrees is good. Santa makes plans to make a special run to Iraq. Meanwhile, Jimmy is singing about the 4th day. Over Iraq, Santa is spreading Christmas cheer, when his sleigh is shot down. Santa crash-lands in the center of Baghdad. The gnomes fear that Santa is dead, but Santa radios in that his legs are broken, all the reindeer are dead and he is very sad. Then the Iraqis take him prisoner and the radio goes dead. Cartman is disappointed that he won't get his Haibo robot doll, revealing to the other boys that that was his plan all along. Stan and Kyle are annoyed with Cartman for ruining Christmas. They think all is lost, until Cartman says "Christ," which gives them the idea that Jesus can help them. Back in South Park, Jimmy is singing about the 5th day. The boys and Mr. Hankey use Santa's backup sleigh, complete with backup reindeer (Steven, Fluffy, Horace, Chantelle, Skippy, Rainbow, Patches, and Montel) to find and fly to Jesus. Cartman tries having a precious Christmastime moment, which Kyle tells him is not going to get him any nice deductions. It's going to take more than that to make up for Santa being shot down. Meanwhile, in South Park, Jimmy is singing about the 6th day. In Iraq, Santa is interrogated and tortured to find out what he knows about America's plans for Iraq. The boys find Jesus who agrees to go with them to rescue Santa, but first he loads with a little Christmas miracle, automatic weapons. Meanwhile, in South Park, Jimmy's singing has made it to the 7th day. Santa is still being tortured as Jesus, Mr. Hankey and the boys arrive "in a magical Christmas adventure" to rescue him. In South Park, Jimmy sings about the 11th day. Jesus takes out several Iraqi soldiers and heals Santa's legs as he and the others prepare to escape. Santa takes out a little time to give his torturer a special present. The alarms begin to sound as Jimmy is in South Park still singing away. Jesus is shot by an Iraqi soldier. Before Jesus dies from his wounds, he asks Santa to make sure that they don't take away their Christmas spirit. Santa, Mr. Hankey and the boys make their escape and take to the air. Cartman reminds them why they came here and Santa agrees. He unloads some Christmas filled weapons on Baghdad. Back in South Park Jimmy finally finishes singing his song. He lights the tree the bulbs burn out and Christmas is ruined, that is until Santa flies overhead and brings it to life. Santa has returned the boys home. Santa takes time out to remind everyone that Christmas is a special time of year, but it was almost lost this year, but for the sake of one man. Santa pronounces that Christmas should be a day for everyone to remember that brave man named Jesus. With that, he leaves telling Stan, Kyle and Cartman to look under the tree. They each find a Haibo robot doll under the tree. While it is what Cartman wanted, he doesn't want it now, since Stan and Kyle both have one. Stan comments that it turned out to be a pretty special Christmas, when Kenny joins them and things are back to normal. Kenny returns in this episode and doesn't die; Jesus wasn't as lucky, but then like Kenny he has been resurrected before.